Doing it all

    I substituted at James’ preschool one day this week.  When I went to bed that night, I really noticed that I hadn’t had one second alone. One second just to breathe in and out and not feel pulled in a million directions. I know that I am a healthier person when I am able to have some time to be alone.  I sometimes feel guilty about needing it. 

    Some days I think, “Did mothers have time alone in the past?”  They had their families, they had what they needed, and they didn’t complain.  Probably because it wouldn’t have done any good.  And I hear JB in my mind say something he says a lot, “ Sometimes you don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.” I know my mom didn’t have much time when I was young to just chill out and be still.  And If my mom and even women in the 1800s did it, then I should be able to handle it. 

    But and a big but, is that mothers today have different pressures. Different ways of life.  Mothers don’t get to just be concerned if their family is clothed and fed.  They work outside the home, they make sure their children are well rounded, that they are not exposed to the violent parts of the world that affect their future.  We have to worry about them getting the best or having what everyone else has.  Our kids play sports, have cell phones and the evils of the internet to contend with.  And we fight for our families, and  deal with the pressures of trying to be a supermodel in the process… So, in some moments I decide that for a fact,  today’s mothers are not the same as mothers of the past. 

    So, I want to be everything to everyone anyway.  I want to do it, and like it.  Have my cake, and my ice cream, and eat it too.  And not gain a pound in the process.   I want to be it all.   So then I start to think…are we, the mothers of today that different from a hundred years ago? I go back to the verse in the Bible that tells about a virtuous woman.  She should rise early, go to bed late, store up food, buy land, quilt blankets, make clothes for her children, AND  be praised by her husband and children.  Hmm, I guess the woman the Bible praises led a life of multi-taking too.  The tasks may have been different but there was pressure and there was stress.  And she depended on the Lord for what she needed.   And I DO want to be that woman.  And I want forgive myself when  I can’t do it all.  I want to know that its okay.

     But everyday I hurt.  I hurt because I can’t fix the pain that my children all go through.  I hurt because I am not their mother, but I am. And I hurt because I’m their mother and they miss their father, and I can’t fix it.  I hurt because I don’t have enough time to love them all the way they deserve.  And I hurt because they need me more than I can understand and in ways that I can’t grasp.  

    But I keep going and I keep loving and I keep trying to do more and do it better.  But not because I need someone to tell me that I am doing well. Because I always feel guilty when someone says what a good person I am.  The Bible teaches me that there is no good in me that is not of Jesus.  That he is the only good that is in me and my life. And if something is good, it comes from him.  It is a blessing, a gift from him.   I am only here for a while and I am only for a purpose.  His purpose.  Not for me and not totally for them.  But for him.  I know this yet I forget it everyday.  I get busy not being enough or feeling unworthy. I forget I am wonderfully and perfectly made by Him.

  But really. I know and I come back to the fact.  He will give me more than enough to carry out the purpose He has for me.  And I am okay with not being everything to everyone and being a supermodel is a joke! So, the very next time I am told that a person can’t understand how I do it, I want to be able to say, “I don’t DO anything by myself.  But, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And, I WILL BELIEVE IT!

My trail mix family

My family is like trail mix or better yet Chex mix.  We are all different.  Some of us as different as nuts and chocolate.  We like different things.  Different movies, different clothes, different foods.  But we all go so well together.    We are just like any other family in many ways.  We argue we fight we laugh.  But the main thing the world sees about our family is that we are mixed.  My children do not have the same blood, the same genes.  They have different birth mothers and fathers.  But they are all mine and they are all special and wonderful in their own way.

Like the ingredients of any trail mix they are enjoyable in their own right.  The wonderful thing is, when combined, they are amazing together!  There is something magical about us when the separate “ingredients” are enjoyed as one.  Even if the idea of our family doesn’t please some people, we are something more magnificent because we are mixed. 

We have all been tossed about and the combining process is not smooth and slow.  It is rough, it is abrupt, and sometimes it is even a little violent.  But the process creates the amazing mix that we are.  Now, I know that there are people in this world that think less of my family because we weren’t created like some families.  We didn’t get the life we would had designed for ourselves  years ago.   We could never have imagined our life like this.  But, who, honestly, if they were thinking inside the box, would have ever invented trail mix? But aren’t we glad they did. 

Looking back I believe the parts of my life that are the most beautiful are the parts that weren’t exactly what I had expected.  That is sure something funny for me to say because my parents would laugh at that thought.  As I child, I hated change and I hated anything that changed my routine.  I would cry for an hour over missing the school bus because my day was going to start in a weird way.  I hated moving, I hated new people, new places, new food.  And I missed a lot.  I missed new friends and experiences because sameness was my friend.  It gave me control over my life.  Now that is a real joke. 

Today, my life is different from one second to the next. I never know what craziness my day might bring.  I don’t know and can not predict the things that might happen.  And, I love it!  I love that I get to live my life moment to moment, and I love that I can embrace the chaos.  As a teenager, my rebellious streak came by way of differentness.  I didn’t want to be like everyone else.  I was a crazy contradiction.  The constant struggle to not change, but never be the same kept me torn up inside.  I just didn’t want to be the same as others.  I didn’t want to follow the rules. But it all had to be on MY terms.   I carried a “Smurfs” wallet because I knew no one else had one, and then I was devasted when I lost it because I didn’t want to change wallets, I wanted THAT one.

Today, I live without worrying about most things.  I am not concerned that most people give my family labels that have negative connotations like mixed, blended, or non-traditional, because I like that we aren’t like everyone else.  I have grown up enough to know that different  does not mean better, but neither does normal, or same, or traditional. 

I would love to say that we did not choose our lives to be this way.  And in some definite ways we didn’t.  But some of the blame, some of the results, were our choice.  We choose many parts of our life and chose what to do with the situations we couldn’t change.  And here we are in this crazy combination of choices and circumstances beyond our control.  And why do I say we are like Chex mix?   It is a beautiful crazy dramatic mix of good things that must be present to make a party a party. So as we live this everyday party, I hope that our life, our experiences, and our lessons learned will be a blessing to all those that share in it.  Here goes something….